White Flag
by Panthers Tear
Summary: Duo has spent years greiving over Heero choosing Relena instead. Can he ever recover? Can he change Heero's mind?


I do not own gundam wing. Nor do I won the song white flag. I will someday if my plans for world domination bear fruit it will be all mine! But for now all I can do is write my fanfictions and put on these stupid disclaimers time and time again. Now I want to point out this is my first attempt at a song fic so please be kind?  
White Flag  
It all began after the war when Heero rejected me. After all the times we had helped each other out in the war with physical comfort and sometimes even sex he finally said enough was enough and he didn't want me anymore. I was shattered, I was broken I had never let anyone close enough to hurt me this much. Well it would not be a mistake I would be repeating.  
  
Quatre said these things happen and we just have to try to be strong. We can't give up. But what he doesn't understand was Heero was my one and only. The center of my universe. He still is. After all the emotional anguish he put me through... even after he told me to forget about him... I still love the man.  
  
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you I'll tell you that. But if I didn't say it well I'd still have felt it. Where's the sense in that?   
  
Since Heero chose Relena over me for a long-term relationship I have not been able to sleep. I can't eat properly. All my art, which used to come out clear as morning's first light is now dull and inexpressive. Quatre said some part of me wants him to see how much he's hurt me and beg him to come back.  
  
I didn't think that was so, but since Quatre suggested it to me I've begun to wonder. I always loved Heero, right from the start when I first met him. Maybe I all I want is to have what we had back.... Maybe I'm just trying to be difficult about this.  
  
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were.   
  
But Quatre is right about one thing. I cannot give up no matter how much this hurts. If my heart is going down then come hell or high water I'm going down with it. All through the war I fought my hardest and I never gave up. All through the war, even through the toughest time not once did I think about waving that white flag. Not once did I want to surrender.  
  
Now I want to make this clear, I love Heero and I always will. I have always believed that true love lasts forever and with that in mind I cannot forsake my love for him, for in my heart, despite the hurt I know the love was true. But I have to move on, I have to get through the pain and sorrow, I have to do this if I ever want to have a happy life.  
  
But I will go down with this ship. And I wont put my arms up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love, and always will be.   
  
You can hardly blame Heero for not wanting me, I mean, who would? I cause nothing but trouble.... Throughout my entire life the only thing I have ever been for anyone who became close to me, was trouble. The whole church thing was my fault. If I hadn't been at the church it never would have been attacked. Death and destruction have followed me, dogged my heels through every footstep throughout my whole life.  
  
I can totally understand if Heero never wants to speak to me again. Hell I'm surprised that Quatre and Trowa still give half a damn about my well-being. They shouldn't. I'll just end up hurting them in the end.  
  
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again. And I cause nothing but trouble I understand if you can't talk to me again.   
  
But Heero, he lives with the thought that it's over. I doubt he gives me a second thought anymore. He turned around, waved goodbye and never looked back. He doesn't hurt anywhere near the way I do. He never really cared enough to hurt.  
  
But you know what else? I'm sure his life isn't fraying at the edges like mine is either. I have little money to live on any more; my art was my life, and sadly my income as well, and well, for now, my inspiration has deserted me. I'm slowly falling apart.... The money I do have usually comes from Quatre; I will pay him back, even though he says I don't have to.  
  
The last thing I heard of Heero was that he was having a baby with Relena.  
  
And if you live by the rules of it's over then I'm sure that that makes sense.  
  
But even through all this I can't give up, that's just not my style. It never was. There were nights on the streets where, after I had not eaten anything for days, yeah, I mean that, days... when I still had to try and get a good nights sleep. Even through all that I never gave up. So why give up now?  
  
God I still think about him every night. He is my first thought in the morning and my last before I rest my eyes at night. And well, though I know he doesn't love me anymore, I will never stop loving him. I will never wave that white flag. Not now, not ever. I will not surrender.  
  
But I will go down with this ship. And I wont put my arms up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love, and always will be.   
  
I am sure Heero and I will meet again at some point in our lives, we used to be such a wonderful pair, I'm sure he remembers that if nothing else. I hope that there is still a soft spot in his heart for those warm autumn evenings when we would sit near the fireplace in the safe house and he would braid my hair. I hope he remembers some fond moments like that. I hope he at least remembers me.  
  
This is the one thing I am sure of. Our paths will cross again. And whether they cross this year, next year, in this lifetime, or the next I know that I will still love him. Come hell or high water, I will always love Heero. Zutto.  
  
And when we meet, which I'm sure we will, all that was there will be there still.   
  
Sometimes though, in the dark of night I wonder. When we do meet again will I have enough strength to put all the pain behind me? Will I be able to meet his eyes? I think so.... Well.... I hope so. I will try to let it pass. I mean I was hurt but even now, this soon after, its already in the past. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, the past is the past right?  
  
I almost dare to hope that he still harbors feelings for me. I almost dare to wish that he will think that I've moved on. And I almost hope that he'll be sorry I did, because that will put me out of his reach, even if he does want to start again....  
  
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue. And you will fear that I've moved on.   
  
But I feel that I have to say, this is not the end. As I have said before, I can't give up no matter how much I want to, because that isn't my style. No I will fight on and I will win. I have not surrendered yet. I have not raised that flag.  
  
The game of love is a dangerous one and so many throw the white flag in the air without a second thought. But though I will always love Heero I cannot sacrifice who I am just so he will like me. He is a wonderful man, the object of my affections, the apple of my eye, but I won't become someone different for him. I will never change.  
  
But I will go down with this ship. And I wont put my arms up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love, and always will be.   
  
And so in ending I say that I deeply hope one day that Heero realizes how much he hurt me. But I simply can't wait around for him like a little lost puppy. I guess I've forgotten to mention that I'm marrying Hilde next week. She's going to have my baby. And while Heero will always be my first and most heartfelt love, I think I can love Hilde as well. I think I'm going to survive this darkness after all. She will be my light.  
  
I will go down with this ship. And I wont put my arms up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love, and always will be.   
  
I will go down with this ship. And I wont put my arms up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love, and always will be. 


End file.
